Nobody # 794

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Nobody # 794

Nobody Asked Me But:

Alas, President Obama, my Philosopher King, is too much, too often the philosopher and too little, too seldom the king.<<<

Since I couldn’t make it to the White House lawn for President Obama’s first State Dinner, (even though that couple ahead of me didn’t even have to show their invitation) I was unable to give him my Utopia List of suggested changes, political and social, for our country, so I am breaking the story here.

MY UTOPIA

Professional people will be paid according to their importance to society. This will make teaching the highest paid profession, which in turn, will attract the best and the brightest to the classroom. This change alone will solve most of current educational problems.

No major league baseball will be played after October 15.

Heavy fines will be levied on anyone who proposes expanding the NCAA basketball tournament beyond 65 teams.

The First Amendment will be clarified to reinforce the principles of freedom of religion within a totally secular state.

My United States will be governed by a parliamentary system with a hard two-party limit. (Only the two parties with the highest voter registration will be allowed to stand for election.)

Congress will launch a long-past-due investigation as to why Willie Mays was never unanimously elected MVP.

Immediate self-defense and genocidal prevention will be the only legitimate and moral reasons to go to war.

All colleges and universities will establish equal admission requirements for athletes.

Coaches who cheat and politicians, reporters and news commentators who lie will immediately lose their jobs and may not apply to return to any job with the same or similar responsibilities for five years.

All citizens will accept taxation as the legitimate cost of civilization.

There will be no age requirement for Medicare.

All television commercials will have a short shelf life and will only be held over if a consumer panel rates them high in entertainment value.

Apple will change its iPhone contract from AT&T to whichever company is rated as the best carrier.

The Constitution of my United States will establish government spending priorities with these three listed together as highest: public safety, public health and public education.

There shall be no super-majorities requirement to pass any legislation or approve any appointment.

Sports agents will have to pay a large fine and serve an automatic prison sentence if convicted of contacting an amateur who is not eligible to turn professional.

Discourteous people will be warned once and then shunned.

Adam Lambert will be shunned, period. He should not have needed a warning to know better.

There will be a national championship tournament for college football.

Every football team in the Pac-10 will play every other league team every year.

The Unites States will enthusiastically join other nations in a treaty to ban the use of land mines.

All candidates for political office must pass a non-standard comprehensive test with a grade of 80% or better. No cramming allowed.

A quid pro quo will be declared in which I will not try to convert vegans to meat-eaters, and they will stop trying to proselyte my carnivorous self.

For an entire off-season, USC Coach Pete Carroll will be required to wear a tee shirt. On the back it will read “I am a hypocrite!” The front will say “Good Sportsmanship means nothing to me.”

There will be no reality television shows. They will be banned not by law, but by ratings, because my well-educated utopians will not watch such putrid trash. *Note to my family: “American Idol” and “Dancing With The Stars” are not considered reality shows, so you can watch them all you want.

In basketball, the principle of “no harm, no foul” will be the rule rather than simply a cliché.

Anyone living in our house will take 2 extended vacations every year and at least 10 short ones.

To promote the general welfare, our government will provide interest-free loans to Starbuck’s so that they can, wherever feasible, remodel their stores to provide outdoor sitting areas like the one pictured above. (On Foothill in Glendora.)