Nobody 769

Sunday, May 24, 2009
Nobody # 769

Nobody Asked Me But:

MONDAY, May 18

Dr.Laker and Mr. Hyde: Hyde ignores defense. Laker guards all over the court. Hyde ho-hums games. Laker leaves it all on the floor. To Hyde there is always tomorrow. Laker lives for today. Dr. Laker showed up yesterday and the Rockets had no chance.

It will be the same for Denver IF Laker can keep Gasol interested, Odom intense, Bynum awake and Hyde caught somewhere in LA traffic.

TUESDAY, May 19

Second Aide: “You had better not go in there. VP Guy is really angry, and he’s got that trophy shotgun hanging on the wall.”

First Aid: “He called me. I’ve got to go in.”

First Aid: (tiptoeing in and closing the door) “You wanted to see me sir?”

Cheney, growling: “Did you see 24 last night?”

Cheney: (not waiting for an answer) “That God-damned Jack Bauer betrayed his country. Betrayed me too – and I trusted the SOB.”

First Aid: “What do you mean sir?”

Cheney: “It was the season finale and he’s dying. But does he die like a man – proud of the way he tortured people to save his country? No! That pansy has ambivalent feelings about his actions.”

Cheney: “Namby-pamby. If Rummy and Yoo and I had had mixed feelings about putting the screws to those bastard traitors who knows what would have happened to this country.”

First Aid: “Sir, I wasn’t around back then.”

Cheney – “Not you, Yoo. Asian guy, lawyer. Really smart about torture and bending the Constitution.”

Cheney: (thoughtful for a moment – then smiles) – “Listen you. Get a hold of Keefer Sutherland’s people. See if he wants to go bird hunting. . I’ll fill him with buckshot and say that Mr. Closet Liberal was trying to head-butt me.”

Wednesday, May 20

URGENT BULLETIN – CALLING ALL DOGS! BEWARE! MICHAEL VICK WAS RELEASED FROM PRISON YESTERDAY!

Thursday, May 21

Hot tip: Check out this new poet at http://www.straitjacketsmagazine.com/support4/table.contents.summer2009.htm. Modesty prevents me from mentioning his name, but I will tell you that his initials are JT. And he also wrote the Books Into Films column.

Friday, May 22

Cheney – “Skilled and trained C.I.A. agents gained invaluable intelligence that saved lives by using methods ruled legal by administration lawyers.”

Reporter – “Sir. What invaluable intelligence? Could you give us an example?”

Cheney – That’s easy. For one thing they discovered where Sadam was hiding his WMDs.”

Saturday, May 23

Yesterday, LA Councilman Bernard Parks warned that soaring payroll and pension costs threaten the city’s financial stability. When asked about his own yearly salary of $178,789 he replied, “I earn mine.” When asked about the additional $22,000 in retirement benefits he receives per month (for having been LA Chief of Police) Parks said, “My wife and I are barely getting by.”

Sunday, May 24

This week’s Contempt Award goes to – those Republicans in Congress and in the media who are making a phony issue out of the closing of Guantánamo Bay by playing on America’s fear of terrorism.

Tied for second: Congressional Democrats for being gutless and falling in line with the Republicans, and those Americans who so willingly sacrifice ideals for the illusion of safety.